I’m a young, average looking woman (26 and not ugly, but 20ish pounds overweight) and I frequently (once a week usually) have anonymous sex with men I meet online. What I mean is that I have a profile on a few popular dating sites and I find a guy there, vet him the best I can, and then we meet at one of our homes to “hang out.” “Hang out” means that we start to watch a movie and then we fool around, usually exchanging oral and having sex.

I’m writing this post because it seems like an extremely high number of men want to meet girls this way and have sex with them, but not a lot of women do, so I’m providing insight in what I look for — how I select the guy. And honestly, it’s only this imbalance of women generally being much less interested in sex than men that affords me the opportunity to be selective. My personality’s great and my life is too (all the hours I save on taking care of a boyfriend mean more disposable income for me since I spend them at my job) but when it comes to a hook-up you go for looks, and like I said, I’m nothing special in that department.

The reason I have sex like this is because I’m single and actively not dating. I don’t want a boyfriend. Basically I want to get to the next level in my career where I can work for myself for the rest of my life. Also, maybe I just don’t have that thing most people have where they want to be in a relationship? There is nothing “missing” in my life without one, except for sex.

That said, an important thing that I look for is a guy that won’t be dramatic. This means he isn’t married or coupled. Those guys go on and fucking on about their partners and what they aren’t getting from them. I don’t care! Seriously, I’d be more interested in talking about literally any other subject. He also can’t be a guy that is single but super wants a girlfriend because he’ll get clingy. Finally guys that are overly secretive and won’t tell you their name and hint they think you’re going to send their dick pics to the New York Times or something are way too much drama. Avoid at all costs.

I think for guys physical attraction in a hook-up is The Most Important Thing. My standards here are kind of whatever.

• Be 26-34.
• Be as tall or taller than me.
• Don’t be skinny.
• Don’t be on the extreme end of unfortunate looking.

What I look for is someone who seems relaxing and fun to be around. Talk to women on dating sites like you are talking to a girl who is already your friend. Ask about common interests. If a girl wants sex she will ask you to hang out at your home or hers vs. going out somewhere (very few will say so in their profile, or they will be spammed until the end of the century).

Don’t ask for sex or a hook-up before you’ve had an organic moment of connection in regular conversation. That’s not sexy! Men can “heat up” to a woman almost immediately but even for a casual thing, in order to find the guy sexy and want to have sex with him I need him to talk to me like a normal human first, so I can become attracted to him and not think he is sleazy/desperate. Look at my profile, find something you’re interested in, ask a question about it. The whole thing can take less than 5 minutes. I realize we’re lazy when we are online and you can put in work for no reward, but it’s a relatively minuscule investment for a much higher chance for return on investment.

A few quick more things that put a guy in the ‘NOPE’ pile:

• Only messaging ‘hi.’ You seem lazy and you probably will be too passive to be a fun/good lay.
• Seeming trashy. Don’t say “I have a car and a job.” Everyone has a car and a job. Do you date enough people that don’t have cars and jobs that you think this is a bragging point? Yes, this is probably a classist thing to say but I am trying to get wet for a guy not win a humanitarian award.
• Never say anything negative anywhere in your profile or messages. Don’t complain about your ex or (especially) women in general. Don’t say “I’m tired of” or “No girls who.” You look like a victim. Victims are not sexy.
• Don’t ask about kinky stuff unless we’ve already had sex. Or, if your goal is to only hook up with girls who are extremely and only interested in that act. Then by all means. But I’m not one of them so I’m going to close out contact.
• Don’t seem like an idiot. I don’t care if you earnestly misspell a word, but if you seem like a dummy I can’t get turned on by you.
• Dick pics are cool, I can even get turned on by them, but it’s more of an exception instead of a rule. Sending me a photo of your dick as a cold call doesn’t do anything for me. You have to turn my brain on, not my eyes. Plus they kind of all look the same.
• Don’t be a prude. If you act like you’re embarrassed to talk about sex you’re really not going to be fun.
• Don’t try to lure me with promises of going down on me. I’ve saved this for last because it may vary from woman to woman but that’s not sexy to me. Oral feels good when I like the guy but it’s sexier to think about giving oral and having sex rather. When a guy tries to use going down on me as a big thing that’s supposed to convince me, it turns me off because it’s kind of as if he’s being submissive to me, and I like things the other way around.

Do whatever you need to do to seem like a person YOU would want to drink a glass of wine with and fool around for a few hours. Remember that for women this means being personable, not bragging about your dick size or sex skills.

Finally, you have to pass the vetting process where I test out whether I’ll feel safe with you — both privacy-wise and actually not getting murdered-wise. I have great intuition, so it’s pretty easy to tell who is a weirdo and who is legit, like me. It helps if you grow up on the internet and have always been wary of scams and people posing as people they aren’t.

The best thing a guy can do is just level with me and email me from his real email. Look, this is a dangerous game to play but if you give me your name and I can google you I know three very important things about you and you’ll be at the top of my list: 1) you have nothing to hide, 2) you’re not married, and 3) you probably don’t do this a lot so you’re low risk for being crazy/having STDs. (And yes, I know *I* do this a lot but I’m also responsible with protection every time and quarterly testing — I don’t trust everyone to be as thorough as I am). Giving out your name also means you’re probably trusting. This can go horribly wrong for you but luckily I’m extremely trustworthy and I’d never do anything to harm someone or make them feel uncomfortable, I feel like I enter into a contract with the people I sleep with, I’ll give them affection and respect because I’m in it too.

All this to say, I think what men focus on is “I must look ripped, send a giant photo of my dick and then brag about how great I am at eating her out.” And I want the opposite of all these things.

Be the normal, fun guy you are with your friends. Talk to me like you would talk to a girl in your friend group. Try to have a fun conversation and then bring up sex (or better yet, let me bring it up).