A big part of kissing is body language – most partners are attracted to gestures that display excitement and confidence, which I usually convey by bumping into them with an extremely humiliating boner and then walking quickly in the other direction, muttering something about needing to “return an overdue video.”
Everyone knows to avoid ingredients like garlic and onions if you’re eating before a kiss. Most people rely on last-minute gum or a mint, but the real key to making a strong impression is to spend the entire day consuming things that will give your breath a distinctive flavor, like milk and hot dogs. No lady will ever forget The Milk & Hot Dogs Guy.
If I don’t have time for that kind of prep work, I usually just spray a can of Axe into my mouth.
Drop hints throughout the night regarding your kissing prowess. Subtly. “Would you like another glass of wine? By the way, I’ve definitely kissed a real woman’s face before. Now, tell me more about your sister’s blacksmith shop…”
The location of your kiss is of utmost importance: romantic spots include parks, beaches, and dimly lit rooms where your partner can more easily overlook your collection of teardrop tattoos.
Music may help you and your partner “get in the mood.” Go with something quiet and sensual. After several aborted make out sessions, I’ve learned to avoid anything with Gregorian chanting.
Stare longingly into your partner’s eyes before you go in for the kiss. Pretend you are looking at something indescribably beautiful, like their private parts.
It’ll boost your confidence to pretend your own eyes are exotically colored, like sky blue or a piercing green. Unfortunately, your eyes are hazel, or, as I like to call it, Indecisive Brown.
If you try to kiss someone at a head-on angle, you’ll probably wind up smashing your noses together. That can be kind of hot, but most people prefer to kiss at an angle so that their mouths can actually touch. A good way to signal that you are ready to make out is to suddenly turn your head to a 45 degree angle and then begin incrementally inching your face towards your partner’s. This is an irresistible move that tells your partner, “Please – I need this.”
Now close your eyes and make your move. Closing your eyes is crucial – it’s passionate, sensual, and it makes it look like you’re not crying.
Should you start off soft and smooth or wild and passionate? It all depends on the vibe. If your partner seems shy or nervous, begin gently. On the other hand, if they just finished dancing on the bar with a lampshade on their head, they’re probably ready for the tongue.
Deciding how deep to go with your tongue is a critical choice. Start off at a moderate depth and keep going deeper and deeper until you’ve ruined it again, goddamn it.
The drugs should be kicking in right about now. I told you take some drugs at the outset of this, right? God, I hope so.
There are certain tricks you can do with your tongue to improve your kissing. These maneuvers include such popular variants as The Swirl, The Probe, The Flying V, The Mississippi Hotbox, and The Tet Offensive.
You don’t want to grope your partner, especially during a first kiss – it makes you look sleazy and desperate. Just let your arms hang by your sides. Don’t move them. At all.
If that’s not working, squeeze your nipples or something.
How much grunting is too much grunting? Generally, most experts say go easy on the grunting.
You may find yourself needing to “re-set” in the middle of a long kiss. Pause the action for a moment by calmly explaining, “Hold on a sec while I swallow this excess saliva,” or, “I think I just sneezed in your mouth.”
If you get tired of using your tongue, put it away. Pucker up and use your lips, or just rub your front teeth against theirs or something.
Don’t be afraid to be bold and sensual. Pull your mouth away from theirs and blow erotically into their eyes. Sniff the air suggestively. Leave and come back a little later.
And don’t be afraid to experiment: think of your mouth as baking soda, your partner’s mouth as cocaine, and the resultant bond as sweet, sweet crack rocks.
It’s important to show your partner that you are enjoying the kissing procedure. Remember to stop occasionally: pull your lips away and hold your face mere inches in front of theirs, and then moan loudly.
Try not to talk too much. You’re probably going to be nervous, and just staying silent can help stop you from blurting out something embarrassing or just screaming uncontrollably at their teeth.
Biting your partner’s lower lip can be a steamy move to liven things up. However, biting your partner’s upper lip can result in upwards of 100 hours of community service.
Ultimately, people tend to get caught up in “who” they are kissing, when “who” is really the least important of several major questions, including: What time is it? Where am I? Why am I tongue-deep in this stranger’s throat? How did this happen again? When will I escape the unceasing torment that is my waking life???
There’s no set rule on how long a kiss should last. A good rule of thumb is to stop once you’ve had an orgasm. Then you pretty much just crawl up into the fetal position until they leave.
Don’t forget to ask for a hickey. Cuz it didn’t really happen if you don’t get a hickey.
