1. Libra
You are the purest and most beautiful of angels. God made sure you were born with original sin because he knew you weren’t going to commit any other sins. You’re so pure, sometimes God asks you for advice. Even God says, “OK, I get it—you’re good—but maybe take it down a notch, because you make everyone else feel guilty.” You have to wear heavy boots just to keep from floating up into heaven.
2. Taurus
You have a forgiving heart and never hold grudges. Everyone calls you a sweetheart. You help little old ladies walk across the street, rescue kittens from trees, and catch babies as they fall out of burning buildings. Your only flaw is that sometimes you’re too nice for your own good—and in a world filled with devils, that can be dangerous.
3. Pisces
You have your own code of ethics, and you stick by them to the letter. You are kind, caring, forgiving, and empathetic. Your only flaw is a tendency to get mildly angry when people don’t return your kindness and generosity. But you quickly get over it because you realize life is too short to let the haters upset you.
4. Sagittarius
Loving others comes as easy to you as breathing. You walk through this life with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. You enjoy being around people and especially making them laugh. For you, truth is the highest good, and you only slip up when people lie—then a little bit of the Devil comes out of you. But you never bad moods sour your disposition—you feel the white-hot heat of anger for a moment and then let it go.
5. Aquarius
As the water-bearer, your biggest virtue is a seemingly bottomless willingness to do favors for others. You love the joy of bringing joy to others. You are honest and loving and kind. Your only sin is a very strong sex drive that sometimes leads to you making unwise decisions.
6. Gemini
Of course you’d be ranked in the middle. You’re the classic case of someone who always has an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other, vying for your attention. Whether you choose to act like an angel or a devil largely depends on your mood and what you ate for breakfast. You are like night and day, good and evil, summer and winter all wrapped together in the same frustrating bundle of contradictions.
7. Leo
Lions are noble and strong and beautiful and majestic—until you get on their bad side. That’s when you flash your fearsome teeth and let out a roar. You like doing good deeds until someone crosses you—then you make sure they regret it for the rest of their life.
8. Cancer
You sincerely wish to be a good person—it’s just that life offers so many temptations, and it’s hard for you to resist. A typical day for you involves taking your niece to school, yoga class, a visit to your aunt in the hospital, and then a four-hour hookup with that hot guy from Tinder. It is your sincerest hope that God is very forgiving—because you’re gonna need it.
9. Virgo
You are warm, funny, generous, and very likeable. You are also a slave to your many desires. And you have a mean streak ten miles long. If someone is foolish enough to get on your bad side, you will seek vengeance and not rest until you’ve humiliated your antagonist. But otherwise, like I said, you’re very likeable.
10. Aries
You have so many vices, a member of the local Vice Squad has been assigned to handle your case. Whether it’s drinking, sex, gambling, lying, cheating, double-crossing, swindling, or backstabbing, you have it covered like a pro. Your redeeming value is your great sense of humor—you like to make people laugh before fucking them over.
11. Capricorn
There’s a reason that the Devil is often rendered as a goat’s head in paintings—it’s because the Devil is you. You willingly posed for that portrait. You don’t want to do good, because that’s for suckers. You’ll do evil until you’re caught, and then you’ll pretend to apologize. Sometimes you even find yourself scapegoated—but not often, because usually you’re guilty AF.
12. Scorpio
Even Satan screens your phone calls because he doesn’t want you to yell at him. There are seven levels of hell, but you have a plush condo tucked beneath all of them. You are the living embodiment of evil—but what a body it is! Your sex appeal is so strong, it could bring the Pope to his knees, begging for a taste. 
