It hurts to know that you don’t like me as much as I like you.
It hurts to know that all of the effort I’ve been putting into our ‘relationship’ has been for nothing.
It hurts to know that my love is one-sided, my feelings are one-sided, my hopes are one-sided.
It hurts to know you can go weeks without texting me and not miss me at all.
It hurts to know you’ve read my messages and decided that they weren’t important enough to answer.
It hurts to know you don’t get butterflies when my name pops up on your screen or count down the hours until you see me again.
It hurts to see you smiling with other girls. It hurts to hear about your new flings. It hurts to know that you’re thriving without me.
It hurts when you update your snap story even though you haven’t looked at the one I sent you directly days ago.
It hurts when you post new pictures on Instagram while I’m still waiting for a text back from you.
It hurts when you like pictures of half-naked girls and then ignore the photos that I post.
It hurts to wake up thinking about you and fall asleep thinking about you, even though I probably never cross your mind.
It hurts when you act like I’m invisible, like I mean absolutely nothing to you even though you mean the world to me.
It hurts to know that I feel so strongly about you and I’m not even a blip on your radar.
It hurts to compare myself to all of the girls you post pictures with your arm around.
It hurts to wonder what you see in all those girls that you don’t see in me.
It hurts to feel like I’m not hot enough, not fun enough, not good enough.
It hurts when you walk back into my life after a long while only to lead me on again, to feed me false hope again. It hurts that you think you can rotate in and out of my life whenever you wish. That you can do whatever you want and I’ll just allow it to happen.
It hurts when you send me mixed signals. When you give me a sign that maybe things will work out after all. That maybe we could end up together.
It hurts when you act like you like me, too. When you give me the impression that my love isn’t one-sided after all.
It hurts when you make me feel smart, strong, sexy. When you make me fall harder for you than I already have.
It hurts when you give me even more reasons to love you.
But most of all, it hurts when you get my hopes up again, because I know it’s only a matter of time until I’m disappointed again. Until I remember that we’re never going to become official, that you’re never going to become mine. 
Holly Riordan is the author of Lifeless Souls, available here.
