ENFP: Reflects on a time in the past when the relationship was happy and thriving. Tries desperately to recreate that time. Tries again. Realizes it isn’t working. Moves to France. Claims you’ll make it work while they’re in France, you’ll just figure out the details later. Never returns from France.

INFP: Escapes into a happy fantasy of what they hope the relationship will be like in the future. Lives there for a while. Lives there for a while longer. Wakes up one morning and realizes you moved out two months ago. Adjusts the fantasy to one in which they’re happy alone.

ENFJ: Suggests an intimate vacation. Suggests couple’s counseling. Suggests moving in together. Suggests moving out, taking some time apart, and then moving back in together. Suggests letting your new girlfriend or boyfriend move in if that will make you happy, even though you’ve been broken up for two years now.

INFJ: Withdraws from the relationship to consider its state. After fourteen sleepless nights, determines that continuing the relationship is what’s best for society. Resumes the relationship as usual.

ESFP: Plans out an endless stream of fun dates, trying to get the spark back. The spark doesn’t come back. On the eighteenth relationship-renewing date, accidentally falls in love with someone else and realizes it’s over for real. Leaves you for the hot waiter while you cry into your chickpeas.

ESTJ: Outsources the breakup. Sends their personal assistant to end things with you.

ISFP: Finally feels creative again, because they’re no longer happy. Begins pulling away from you, claiming they’re busy with their artwork. Produces a masterpiece about a failing relationship. Hopes that you’ll see it and get the hint.

ISTP: Doesn’t care to deal with the confrontation involved in ending things, so just neglects the relationship until you break up with them.

ISFJ: Becomes passive-aggressive to the point where you no longer want to be with them anyway.

ESTP: Goes on a camping trip without you. Gives you a vague/indefinite return date. Forgets to return.

ENTP: Convinces you that you’re the one who’s unhappy with the relationship. Graciously lets you break up with them.

INTP: Moves out of your apartment and into their own place. Hopes you won’t notice.

INTJ: Identifies the first possible source of unhappiness within the relationship. Attempts to give the relationship a ‘tune up’ in that department. If this method fails, identifies the second possible source of unhappiness. Attempts a ‘tune up’ in that department. Repeats the process until they realize that the relationship is not a malfunctioning computer.

ENTJ: Makes a to-do list. Puts ‘fix relationship’ at the top. Accomplishes it as quickly as possible, because there are a lot of other things on the list.

ISTJ: Pushes their feelings down and continues the relationship. Divorce seems costly and impractical.

ESFJ: Stays in the relationship, unhappily, forever. It’s better than making you unhappy!