Aries

Frank Reynolds

There’s only three ways to solve your problems, you can either shoot someone, flaunt your money, or trip balls on LSD. You serve a detrimental role in your gang, you’re not the idea man, you’re the money man and you constantly exploit the desires of those closest to you. The only person you love is your frog alter ego. You’re a huge success in the worst way possible. Vietnamese sweat shops are just business. Despite accusations of having “Donkey Brains” and being physically inadequate, you’ve shown the world that even while being so disproportionate, you have just as much hate, cruelty, bigotry to spread as anyone else.

Taurus

Charlie Kelly

While you lack literacy, intelligence, social skills, common intuition, and a sense of reality, what you do have is a blind faith in your narcissistic allies and an obsessive love for someone who’s name you don’t even know. You fail to realize that people use you and pawn you into doing “Charlie Work”, or the jobs that no normal person would ever happily agree to do. You’re human of simple pleasure; unclogging toilets, milk steak, sniffing glue, writing musicals about rape, and attacking Santa. Everything about you is repulsive and you live happily in filth. But hey, ignorance is bliss. Sadly, there’s a very good chance, you couldn’t understand a word of this.

Gemini

Dennis Reynolds

I think one word encapsulates who you are. A psychopath. Like Dennis, you’re extremely vain, addicted to sex, and incredibly irritable. You care little for anyone in your life (including everyone in the gang), you were sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo, The DENNIS System is the most brilliantly devised plan since Hiroshima, you think ugliness is a crime, you’re a five star man, and the unchallenged Golden God. From time to time you fantasize about murdering your enemies and according to your logic, it’s not rape, it’s just a “frame bang.”

Cancer

Mac

Much like Mac, you’re probably gay. Cancers are notorious for being quiet about who they really are so the only conclusion to draw from this is that you’re probably in the closet. People don’t know you as well as you know you, which is why you’re so quick to snap. And if they don’t know you, they ought to. Your karate skills are unmatched despite your inability to actually defend yourself. Obsessed with your physique and your masculinity you spend a lot of your time talking about how physically perfect you are. Our undisputed lord and savior Jesus Christ molded you in his image. This is a fact, much like the fact of creationism. Also, it’s not fat it’s muscle.

Leo

‘Sweet’ Dee Reynolds

Strong, independent, ambitious, talented, and compassionate. Just a few of the many lies that you tell yourself. Constantly underestimated in whatever group you associate with, you find yourself to be the designated underdog. Always striving to prove the nay-sayers otherwise, you fail miserably at each painful attempt. Whether it be trying out for a the Philadelphia Eagles, pursuing a career in acting, training for a flip cup tournament, or outdoing your old previously obese best friend from high school. All have ended in utter embarrassment. Thus meeting the low expectations, that life sets for you. Sometimes you find yourself serving as the voice of reason, although what you have to say is just as useless as you are.

Virgo

Bonnie Kelly (Charlie’s Mom)

Seemingly sweet and good hearted. You care for your loved ones. Sometimes your love is overbearing but it’s for the best. You will do anything to take care of your son, anything includes banging multiple Santa’s in a row. Anyone who dares to break your son’s heart deserves nothing but the worst (like The Waitress). At times you get overly emotional, can be quite irritable, and you have several irrational fears.

Libra

Maureen Ponderosa 

At one point, you were pleasant to look at, despite your rancid breath which made many wonder whether or not you were “nibbling on little pieces of shit”. However, you are quite good emotionally manipulating people and getting what you want without working for anything. Such as alimony payments. You’d probably spend your money accentuating those pleasant features with plastic surgery. Much like Maureen, you enjoy self improvement. Like getting a diamond cap on a dead tooth, or identifying as a cat. All forms of self expression and finding the real you.

Scorpio

Ryan & Liam McPoyle

Everything about you makes people uncomfortable but you’re loyal to those closest to you (your inbred family). Your most intimate relationship is probably with your sibling but this is a necessity in order to preserve your untouched family bloodline. If milk be the drink of incest, than drink on I suppose. You have one good eye and with that one good eye, you supersede a booming business in video rental (like blockbuster).

Sagittarius

Artemis

Like Artemis, you are open to anything. Literally anything. Sex in dumpsters behind Wendy’s incorporating hamburger buns, pulling bottles out of assholes, putting on burlesque shows, and performing naked. And, you make an effort letting everyone know about your sexual endeavors. You fail “to remember most evenings”. For whatever reason, you find entertainment in involving yourself in other people’s dramas and situations, acting as the mediator no one asked for.

Capricorn

The Waitress

You’re incredibly forgetful and the only person who cares for you is an illiterate bum. You work hard in life, and you’ve had to overcome a drinking problem, and yet you are known to people as “The Waitress” or something equally insignificant. Due to your low self-esteem you fall for the wrong people and on occasion sleep with men who care little for you. You have very little friends, but you’re a damn good waitress. Your best quality is your motivation to work hard, although this drive has pushed you nowhere significant in life.

Aquarius

Bill Ponderosa

You’re a failure in all aspects. You’ve failed in marriage by having several affairs at once, your drug dealer is your goth son, you’ve gained a considerable amount of weight since high school, and you see no issue in spiking milk with bath salts. Knowing all of this however, you make no effort to improve your lifestyle. As your AA sponsor would say, “You earned it” so if you want to go do drugs, than go do drugs.

Pisces

Rickety Cricket

Without a doubt, you’re probably the most gullible fool on the planet. It’s pathetic to witness your deterioration into insanity. Like Rickety Cricket, you probably started out in an equally respected and noble career. But you let a couple narcissistic bums sway you and now you’re a homeless deformed cripple, who gives blow jobs for money, frequently does drugs, and you have a scar that may or may not look like a dogs vagina.