Admit it. You’ve thought about ditching NYC for LA.
I made that move 16 months ago.
Oh Wow Another NYC vs. LA blog!
Admit it. You’ve considered ditching NYC for LA.
I escaped the rock 16 months ago, and though it’s taboo to say, I actually loved it.
Not only are some of the most incredible people I know life-long Angelinos, but I also tapped a growing secret cult of clandestine double-agent ex-New Yorkers who operate under a pretense of “Oh, I’m only here temporarily to finish my [album/book/screenplay/rehab],”—all the while, nervous that they might be exposed as turncoats; caught cheating on their dynamic and sophisticated wife (NYC) with the hot skank secretary (LA).
You see, ever since 1912, when an embryonic Tinseltown first began to lure East Coasters with its vile, hollow siren song, NYC has done an incredible job of countering with a PR campaign of misinformation and negative propaganda against LA.
It’s like in that movie, The Village, where they’ve indoctrinated all the residents to believe that there are monsters in the woods… But then eventually one mangy kid ventures out beyond the gate and is like, “Actually… there aren’t any monsters. There are delicious berries and cute squirrels and shit.”
I was that mangy kid. And while for the first year, I thought that the generalizations about LA were unfair (it’s shallow, cultureless and dark), now I’m beginning to see that generalizations exist for a reason. Generally.
I guess in any city you can find both the evil and the light. In any city, you can feel utterly alone or perfectly invincible depending on what text message you read first in the morning. But having lived on both coasts for a while now, I believe I’m finally in a position to offer a balanced opinion on the most unoriginal and trite argument of all time.
And as it turns out… yeah, there kind of are monsters in the woods.
LA is basically: Tijuana… but with actors
NYC is basically: London… but with skinny people
WIN: NYC
LA smells like: Lilacs and jasmine… ocean perfumed air
NYC smells like: Occasional garbage from Korean butcher
WIN: LA
Homeless people in NYC: Chilled-out Dickensian characters who add “color” to the neighborhood
Homeless people in LA: Super aggressive hospital escapee meth zombies with blistered sunburns and blurry face tattoos
WIN: NYC
In LA you might step on: A fig
In NYC you might step on: A rat in a diaper
WIN: LA
For $2000/mo in NYC, you can rent: One-half of a bedbug infested 200 sq. ft. 6th floor walkup
For $2000/mo in LA, you can rent: A 1500 sq. ft. 2-bedroom with a view of the ocean, competition-grade rose bushes and a porch swing
WIN: LA
NYC appeals to: The most driven, cultured kids from around the world, looking to expand their horizons and push themselves to reach their potential
LA appeals to: Every insane whore and conman who burned every bridge in the Podunk town they were raised AKA actors and musicians
WIN: NYC
Everyone in LA seems: Semi-retired, on glue, and suffering from radon poisoning
Everyone in NYC seems: Vaguely Jewish
WIN: TIE
Best way to succeed in LA: blow jobs
Best way to succeed in NYC: blow jobs and hard work
WIN: TIE
Friday in LA is like: Transcendental meditation and weed
Friday in NYC is like: Yoga and coke
WIN: TIE
Your average NYC girl: Grad degree from Parsons, running two side businesses in between 60hr work week at boutique agency
Your average LA girl: Kind of dated Moby
WIN: NYC
The tap water in LA: Straight up tastes like bleach and pennies, makes your hair fall out
The tap water in NYC: Is good
WIN: NYC
Something I’ll never miss about NYC is: Sandy Kenyon Movie Minute
Something I’ll never miss about LA is: Traffic
WIN: TIE
Astrology in LA: Is undisputed hard science that governs all aspects of our physical and spiritual universe
Astrology in NYC: that’s not really a thing
WIN: NYC
Fashion in NYC: iconic
Fashion in LA: that’s not really a thing
WIN: NYC
Nature in LA: Iridescent hummingbirds flitting around in the garden
Nature in NYC: Two pigeons with broken beaks buttfucking on my fire escape
WIN: LA
The trees in LA are dripping with: Ripe oranges, lemons, and avocados
The trees in NYC are dripping with: Rite-Aid bags
WIN: LA
In NYC, the person across from you on the bus might be: Reading Catcher in the Rye, wearing a Burberry capelet
In LA, the person across from you on the bus might be: On bath salts, on rollerskates, staring at you.
WIN: NYC
At night, LA sounds like: Rainforest Café with occasional SWAT helicopters
At night, NYC sounds like: Law and Order SVU
WIN: LA
If you hit rock bottom in NYC: You are silently ejected from the city in a Darwinian weeding-out-of-the-failures kind of way. One cannot financially afford to hit rock bottom in NYC.
If you hit rock bottom in LA: You move into a friend’s tree house in Venice for a bit. Can still date anyone of any status, can still attend prime events. Still have Wifi. Still vegan.
WIN: TIE
A 10AM meeting in NYC: Starts at 9:50AM
A 10AM meeting in LA: Would theoretically start at noon, but will be cancelled by both people and rescheduled 5 times
WIN: NYC
In LA, you are only 10 miles away from: Surfing in Malibu
In NYC, you are only 10 miles away from: Yonkers
WIN: LA
Weather in NYC: Temperamental, beautiful, expressive, but annoying (like dating an artist).
Weather in LA: Utopia basically, but boring (like dating a model on Xanax).
WIN: TIE
Your poodle is missing in LA because: Coyotes ate it
Your poodle is missing in NYC because: Chinatown.
WIN: TIE 
