A Hypothetical List Of #100SadDays
By Brett Nolan
Day 1 – Starbucks spelled my name wrong on my drink.
Day 2 – My eyes hurt from looking at the sunset too hard.
Day 3 – I spilled tea on my journal.
Day 4 – I found out I was lactose intolerant right after eating my favorite mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Day 5 – I can’t find a good Instagram filter for my homemade quiche.
Day 6 – My ex changed his Netflix password so I can’t binge watch Scandal anymore.
Day 7 – Only 44 people wished me a happy birthday on Facebook.
Day 8 – My coworker said I looked tired. I slept for a full 8 hours last night.
Day 9 – Someone unfollowed me on Tumblr.
Day 10 – Last night’s rainstorm knocked down my birdhouse.
Day 11 – The moon looks so cool, but my phone can’t take a good picture of it.
Day 12 – Whole Foods ran out of quinoa.
Day 13 – I ripped the crotch of my favorite skinny jeans.
Day 14 – I’m going to yet another 1920s themed party.
Day 15 – I couldn’t tip my waiter because my tip app is broken.
Day 16 – The train left when I got onto the platform. Now I have to wait six whole minutes.
Day 17 – My friend with a philosophy degree got a job before me.
Day 18 – I snap chatted my cousin from my uncle’s funeral and my mom is so pissed at me now.
Day 19 – My favorite conservative blog wouldn’t post my “I Don’t Need Feminism” selfie.
Day 20 – This homeless person asked me for change and made me really sad on my way to Chipotle.
Day 21 – I found my Chipotle receipt and realized I had to pay extra for guacamole.
Day 22 – How will anyone know I’m a reader if all my books are on my Kindle?
Day 23 – My parents made me choose between having dessert or an appetizer.
Day 24 – The guy next door won’t let me pet his dog.
Day 25 – I went to lunch with my boss and she didn’t offer to pay for me.
Day 26 – No one retweeted my hilarious @Midnight joke.
Day 27 – Someone already has the Tumblr URL I want.
Day 28 – All my friends spoiled what happens at the purple wedding.
Day 29 – I got mud all over my shoes from the free outside concert.
Day 30 – The cookies brought to my house warming weren’t gluten-free.
Day 31 – My boyfriend tried to hold my hand. His palm was so sweaty it felt like I was holding a warm, raw chicken breast.
Day 32 – I got a sunburn from laying out on the beach.
Day 33 – I’m hungover from drinking margaritas all day at the beach.
Day 34 – I never wrote my study abroad roommate like I promised, and now I feel too awkward emailing her.
Day 35 – I told my boyfriend I wanted to see 1D and he pulled out his dick.
Day 36 – My friends won’t do a Weekend at Bernie’s Halloween costume with me.
Day 37 – I didn’t get my full security deposit back because my roommate pooped in the tub.
Day 38 – My wifi password is too long and I don’t know how to change it.
Day 39 – I don’t think True Detective is that great.
Day 40 – Community’s sixth season won’t be out ’til after Christmas.
Day 41 – I have to watch so many ads on Hulu Plus. What is my mom even paying for?
Day 42 – I have to watch porn on my iPhone because my WiFi went out.
Day 43 – I can’t charge my phone at my friend’s house because he’s poor and still has an iPhone 4.
Day 44 – Christian Grey doesn’t look a thing like I thought he would in the trailer.
Day 45 – I just found out Matt Bomer is gay.
Day 46 – When I bought my Space Jam DVD, it didn’t ring up as PRICELESS.
Day 47 – Starbucks doesn’t call their gift cards StarBUCKS.
Day 48 – I still worry that Top 8s will come back and who I will put on it.
Day 49 – I watched House of Cards and realized it wasn’t a David Blaine and Bob Saget two-man play.
Day 50 – My black friend got mad at me for saying the civil war was fought over state’s rights.
Day 51 – My DIY craft turned into DIY crap.
Day 52 – This news article is too long and not in the form of a listicle.
Day 53 – I almost lost count of the days.
Day 54 – My new apartment is on top of a hill.
Day 55 – I brought my CVS card to a Walgreens. I’m such an idiot.
Day 56 – I’ll be 26 soon and won’t be able to stay on my dad’s health insurance.
Day 57 – My mom bought me an iTunes gift card.
Day 58 – My friend got catcalled and I didn’t.
Day 59 – I really liked this one guy until I saw his political rants on Facebook.
Day 60 – It’s too humid for me to jog.
Day 61 – I can’t wear my new dress ‘cause I’ll chafe.
Day 62 – Some guy won’t stop playing the guitar at this party.
Day 63 – By the end of that party, I looked like the child of The Joker and Courtney Love.
Day 64 – My McDonald’s salad wasn’t that healthy for me.
Day 65 – I’m so hungry, but my favorite place isn’t on Seamless and I’m too awkward to order food over the phone
Day 66 – I saw the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.
Day 67 – I liked all of my crush’s selfies. Now his girlfriend won’t stop messaging me.
Day 68 – I laughed so hard I threw up.
Day 69 – I passed out on my friend’s couch and he didn’t even care enough to draw a bunch of dicks on my face.
Day 70 – I told my dad I wanted a pet. He got me a rock and threw it through my bedroom window.
Day 71 – A bird flew into my broken window and pooped everywhere.
Day 72 – I tried selling my clothes to the thrift store. They only offered me $12.36.
Day 73 – I met a vegan.
Day 74 – My parents go out more than I do.
Day 75 – The police won’t stop persecuting Justin Bieber.
Day 76 – My friends won’t let me use the bumpers when we bowl.
Day 77 – I only just found out about cronuts.
Day 78 – I love the zoo but the caged animals make me sad.
Day 79 – I want a TV show that just follows me around while I do my everyday job.
Day 80 – Adam Sandler keeps making movies.
Day 81 – I lost my virginity in a Taco Bell parking lot.
Day 82 – We can’t do anal ‘cause I ate Taco Bell last night.
Day 83 – I can’t tell if Daniel Tosh is attractive or not.
Day 84 – My boyfriend didn’t get on American Ninja Warrior.
Day 85 – No one has nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge.
Day 86 – My film studies friend won’t film my music video.
Day 87 – So, I guess due dates for bills aren’t just suggestions.
Day 88 – I just found out Tom Daley is dating a man. Yet another one goes gay.
Day 89 – All of my friends are getting married. It’s so gross.
Day 90 – Day eight of not getting my period.
Day 91 – Well, I finally got my period. Too bad I was wearing white shorts.
Day 92 – I farted when my boyfriend was going down on me.
Day 93 – I had to delete and repost my Facebook status because no one liked it.
Day 94 – This last season of True Blood is horrible.
Day 95 – What I wake up like and what Beyonce wakes up like are two very different things.
Day 96 – No one will go to Sea World with me anymore 🙁
Day 97 – My mom caught me watching porn and wouldn’t believe it was just a pop-up.
Day 98 – The towel I went to use at the gym was already wet.
Day 99 – My gay friend hates it when I call him “my gay friend.”
Day 100 – Looking back at this list shows me how hard my life is. #StruggleBus