One night I was finishing up some work, when I got a friend request on Facebook from a name I vaguely recognized. I’m usually quite liberal on who I friend on there, so I added her. I immediately recognized her photo as a girl that was in a college program I worked with several years ago. She immediately sent me a message and it quickly turned into the most bizarre online encounter I’ve ever had. Here’s how it went down:

I blacked out her name and the name of the college program, just to make sure no one finds her and questions her insanity. Let me give you just a little backstory here. The girl she mentioned is my ex-wife from years ago who had an affair with my intern and got pregnant by him. That’s clearly not a great icebreaker. Also, the transition to a gallbladder update is seamless.

I was going to just stop after the first question, but I was bored and figured I’d go along with it. The typos are pretty bad. Hopefully the surgant can correct those as well. I know it looks like I’m just being mean, but stay with me.

Ok wait a second. She clearly knows that my ex is with that other guy, as she’s seen her on Facebook with him. Also, “why did you get fired” seems like somewhat of an inappropriate question, doesn’t it? That’s why I didn’t feel bad for telling her that she died.

If she saw her on “Joshes” status then why is she asking me? I’m sticking with the butt drugs story.

I wish I had enough since to know that Lincoln was shot in a movie theater. I believe it was a Regal Cinema if I’m not mistaken.

I highly doubt that he is got more since then me, but I’m honestly not that familiar with chiwawas.

There are two possible scenarios at this point. Either she has the tiniest butthole of any living human, or she is confusing a tractor for a needle. Either way, she’s being mean and I’m just going to keep answering with innocent nonsense.

I love the fact that she retyped everything and added punctuation. Also, I’m fairly certain Social Studies isn’t the class she should be suggesting.

I’M BEING MEAN BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW WHY YOU GOT FIRED AND WHY YOU GOT A DIVORCE! GOD, IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

She can’t come back from that, right? I just blew her entire theory out the window. Maybe she’ll calm down, but odds are she’ll just keep being completely insane.

Ok, I’m no doctor, but what on earth is she talking about? What sort of storage space does she have in each of her butt cheeks to allow room for medical equipment? Clearly logic isn’t going to work, so I’ll change the subject.

First of all, I was referring to Red Eye on Fox News, not the Rachel McAdams thriller from 2005. Also, I don’t think either of those is against god. Andy Levy is delightful on the show, and when isn’t Rachel McAdams absolutely charming?

I sent that and never heard from her again. She either left to go try to jam a needle up her butt, or she’s trying to find Mr. Huffington Post to tell him that’s he’s wrong about this story. Be careful on Facebook, there are a lot of crazy people. However, if you happen to run into one of them, at least be kind enough to screencap it so the rest of us can enjoy it as well.