27 Hygiene Tips To Keep You Fresh And Clean-Smelling

1. Wash behind your ears.

Wash behind your ears. It prevents the “old person smell.”

2. Wipe until the paper is white.

On your last wipe, there should be no brown on the toilet paper.

Use flushable wet wipes every time that you poop. Especially if you’re a girl. TP isn’t enough and that stuff will stay caked on, even if it’s a thin, clear layer of poop broth. Ladies, when you get all wet and gushy downstairs during bonetime, that releases the Odor of Shitmess Past. Not sexy and it limits the amount of cunny you’ll get from your boy, Swami.

4. Switch your pillowcase every couple days to avoid acne.

Switch your pillowcase regularly. People with acne issues should do this especially.

By regularly I mean every couple days. Also, here’s an article on it http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4372709.

5. Floss to prevent bad breath.

Flossing is common knowledge, but a lot of people don’t realize how much not flossing contributes to bad breath.

6. Scrape your tongue to prevent bad breath.

Scrape your tongue! SCRAPE IT!

Seriously. Right now, scratch along your tongue until you get a bit of goo under your fingernail. Read a few more responses, and then after it’s dried a bit, give it a sniff.

That’s what people smell when you talk to them.

Buy those silly little white plastic floss picks, because most of them have a built-in ridge for tongue scraping (way more efficient than your toothbrush) and scrape in the morning and at night. You’ll notice a vast improvement in your breath.

Took me like twenty-five years before someone told me about that, and I wish I’d known sooner.

7. Use hydrogen peroxide and saline water as mouthwash.

Use some hydrogen peroxide/saline water to rinse your mouth out from time to time.

8. Sneeze on the inside of your elbow.

Always sneeze in the inside of your elbow. You don’t need your elbow otherwise so it’s one of the best part of the body to sneeze in.

There is a nice Mythbuster video about that topic here.

9. Clean your bellybutton!

Clean your bellybutton!

10. Wash between your toes.

Wash your feet and between your toes. Wear socks with shoes.

11. Vigorously scrub your taint.

Wash your taint. Scrub it good.

12. Get a doctor to clean your ears.

Getting your ears cleaned by a doctor is a pleasant experience, and an amazing amount of gack comes out of even the cleanliest of people.

13. Men: Sprinkle baby powder on your balls.

Baby powder makes your balls feel amazing.

14. Men: Trim your armpits and pubes.

As a guy, trimming my armpit and ball hair goes a long way in getting rid of B.O.

I don’t shave, just trim the 3 bushes down.

15. Men: Clean your smelly balls.

Your balls smell. You like blowjobs, right? Clean your balls a couple of times a day if you intend to use them. Have you ever pulled off your pants after a hard day at work and smelled the amalgamation of ass stink and nut sweat rise into the air? Why would you put that stink into a woman’s mouth? She/he already has so much respect for you that they put their mouth where you piss. Return the favor for one, and for two keep your fuckin’ crotch clean.

16. Men: Wipe the tip of your dick after peeing.

If you are a man after peeing just wipe the tip with toilet paper. I feel like I’m the only guy on Earth that does this.

17. Men: Use baby powder on your “hanging crotch ornamentations.”

Liberal use of baby powder on inner thighs, grundel and nuts and other hanging crotch ornamentations to prevent thigh chafing, redness and the dreaded inner thigh zit of doom.

Source: Have been fat, still kinda fat, have giant nutsack.

18. Women: DO NOT DOUCHE.

Do not use douche. Your vagina should never ever been subjected to that. A regular vagina does not have a bad smell. If you have a bad smell you should go get checked out. Using douche harms the vagina environment.

19. Women: Use pH-balanced soap to wash your lady parts.

Every last woman needs to get pH balanced vag soap. Any number of things can throw off your balance and give you stank vag or a minor infection. Regular soaps are harsh and many women are actually allergic to the fragrances in them. Pointing hot water at it for a long time can mess it up, too. So can sex. Best to avoid problems down the line and use vag soap regularly.

20. Shower instead of wearing cheap-ass body spray.

To the guy in front of my girlfriend and I at the theater last Friday. Axe does not replace a shower, especially when you smell like shit, sweat, and fish.

21. Wash your ass.

Take it from Redd Foxx and be sure to Wash Your Ass. Every day. Seriously, just do it.

22. Squeeze out your nose pore pus.

Nose pore pus. Ever heard of it? Look it up. Google image that shit. If you have greasy skin or clogged pores or acne problems, give it a squeeze. Watch the little worms of pus poke out like creamy peanut butter through a Saltine.

Now, once a week, squeeze that shit. Rub it down in the shower, with a black shirt, whatever.

This is not because there’s something wrong with you. Other people won’t notice it. It’s for your own damn good.

23. Shower before going to bed, use a brush to wash your back, and get rid of your carpet.

Things I learned living in Japan:

1) Shower at night before going to bed. Don’t bring all the daily grunge your body generated and collected throughout the day into your clean bed. Your partner will appreciate this too.

2) Get a brush and wash your back. Japanese are disgusted by the fact that most Westerners never clean their backs.

3) Get rid of carpet—giant filth collectors. If you have carpet, stop tracking your filthy fucking shoes through your house. Remove your shoes and leave at the front door.

24. Blow-dry your armpits and naughty bits after showering.

After a shower, give your armpits and groin/butt a run over with a hair dryer. Less moisture in these areas leads to less smell and keeps you fresh longer. Dramatically cuts down on swamp ass.

25. CLIP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FINGERNAILS!

CLIP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FINGERNAILS! I can’t believe how many adults I’ve seen with skanky, long-ass nails with various colors of dirt under them. What. The. Fuck. We have something called fingernail clippers. It’s an elegant device. Please for the love of God.

26. Overweight People: Wash where your ass meets the small of your back.

Former overweight person here. Ever notice some overweight people smell like funky ass, even though they shower? I had noticed that in the past and assumed they lie about taking a shower, then I got a bit fat. One day I suddenly got a whiff of that stank coming from me, and I had recently showered so my ass shouldn’t have smelled. I went looking. I touched different parts of my body and smelled my hand. I finally found the culprit. Right where the ass meets the small of the back, a kind of pocket gets created with heavier people. It’s this pocket that that funk comes from, and unless you specifically clean it with soap and something rough like a cloth or sponge it just doesn’t get clean. Once you scrub it the smell is gone. Even though I’m no longer overweight I still clean the shit out of that area every time.