- I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
- If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
- Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.
- I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
- Homosexual couples don’t bother me. Their biological children do.
- I saw you frequent that bar that one time.
- My aunt never smoked a day in her life. But she did love her cigarettes.
- I once walked in on my parents while they were in bed. But they were asleep, so I left.
- The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
- I want to see something with the clothed eye.
- We all sort of live on an island.
- I can never remember how to spell mnemonic.
- I’m in low school.
- I once carved a Jill-o’-lantern.
- Last week, I picked up a waitress at the bar, and then I put her back down.
- Pennies are a dime a dozen.
- I don’t like relationships. I get seasick.
- From my point of view, all I can see is a point.
- I once saw a court stenographer transcribe a mime’s testimony.
- I once found a needle beside a haystack.
- Did you know that moths can swim the butterfly stroke?
- I once painted a self-portrait of someone else.
- I’m just itching to tell you about my allergies.
- On the sunny side of the street, it’s a little bit warmer.
- I was listening to some inspirational CDs in the car. They kept telling me to go the extra mile. So I did, and I got lost.
- The teacher said: “I can’t see my pupils.”
- My dad told me it was time to hit the sack, so I kicked him in the balls.
- I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
- These aren’t soft and slow rules.
- Of all the quips on this page, this is definitely the last one.
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