If you’ve never seen Heathers before, you haven’t lived. The 80’s best teen movie, Heathers is movie royalty, my personal favorite satire of high school life, a satire as razor sharp as it is infinitely quotable. Written by Daniel Waters (brother to the director of Mean Girls, Mark Waters), this the movie that started it all, the one all other mean girl movies must bow down and worship. Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.
To the other Heathers fans out there, you’re beautiful. Here are 49 of the best lines from Winona Ryder’s shining hour, presented in no particular order. Just for you.
1.
Veronica: “Dear Diary: My teen angst bullshit now has a body count.”
2.
Heather Chandler: “Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?”
3.
J.D.: “Our love is God. Let’s go get a slushie.”
4.
Veronica: “If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn’t be a human. You’d be a game show host.”
5.
Veronica: “Are we going to prom or to hell?”
6.
Heather Chandler: “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?”
7.
J.D.: “Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf?”
Veronica: “I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke’s wrists open, making it look like suicide.”
J.D.: “Ah, now you’re talking. I can be up for that. I’ve already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.”
8.
Veronica: “I use my grand IQ to decide what lip gloss to wear in the morning and how to hit three keggers before curfew.”
9.
Westerburg Student: “Did you hear? School’s canceled today because Kurt & Ram killed themselves in a repressed, homosexual, suicide pact.”
Heather Duke: “No way!”
10.
Heather Chandler: “God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time…”
11.
J.D.: “I can’t believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Of course, I was coming up here to kill you.”
12.
Dennis: “I’m not belittleing the foodless fund, Peter, but we’re talking teen suicide, here. I mean ask Alison; the number one song in America today is ‘Teenage Suicide, Don’t Do It’ by Big Fun. Jesus, man, Westerburg finally got one of these things, and I’m not gonna blow it.”
Peter: “Great, so Heather gets the front page and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.”
13.
Veronica: “What’s the up-chuck factor on that?
14.
J.D. “Let’s pretend I blew up the school…all the schools. Now that you’re dead, what are you gonna do with your life?”
15.
Veronica: “You know what I want, babe?”
J.D.: “What?”
Veronica: “Cool guys like you out of my life.”
16.
Heather Chandler: “Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ’87.”
17.
Heather Chandler: “You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie.”
18.
Heather Chandler: “I shop, therefore I am.”
19.
J.D.: “The extreme always seems to make an impression.”
20.
J.D.: “Well, let’s take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant at the scene. All right. Got an issue of “Stud Puppy.”
Veronica: (laughs) “Great!”
J.D.: “Candy dish. Joan Crawford postcard. Let’s see, some mascara. All right. And here’s the one perfecto thing I picked up: Mineral water.”
Veronica: “Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water, it’s come a long way.”
J.D.: “Yeah, but this is Ohio. I mean, if you don’t have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.”
21.
Veronica: “I just killed my best friend.”
J.D.: “And your worst enemy.”
Veronica: “Same difference.”
22.
Veronica: “Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west…wait, East. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho.”
23.
J.D.: “Chaos is great! Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.”
24.
Heather Duke: “Veronica, you look like hell.”
Veronica: “Yeah? I just got back.”
25.
Veronica: “Well, it’s just like they’re people I work with and our job is being popular and shit.”
26.
Veronica: “If you think I’m doing another suicide note you’re wrong!”
J.D.: “You don’t get it do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think upon itself. Nobody is going to care about exact handwriting.”
27.
Ms. Fleming: “Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.”
28.
Veronica: “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?”
Heather McNamara: “Probably.”
29.
Veronica: “Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.”
30.
Heather Chandler: “Is this a weak turnout or what? I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.”
31.
Ram: “Jesus God in Heaven, why’d you have to kill such hot snatch?”
32.
Veronica: “What is your damage, Heather?”
34.
Veronica: “I can’t believe this is my life. Oh my God. I’m gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.”
J.D.: “Ah, right. I’m just a little freaked here. Well at least you got what you wanted, you know?
Veronica: “Got what I wanted? It is one thing to want somebody out of your life, it is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.”
34.
Veronica: “This isn’t just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.”
35.
Peter: “Dear Lord, please make sure this never happens to me because I don’t think I could handle suicide. Fast, early acceptance into an Ivy League school and please let it be Harvard. Amen.”
36.
Kurt’s Dad: “My son’s a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.”
37.
Heather McNamara: “Suicide is a private thing.”
Veronica: “You’re throwing your life away to become a statistic on US fucking A Today. That’s about the least private thing I can think of.”
38.
Veronica: “I say we just grow up, be adults and die.”
39.
Veronica: “That knife is filthy.”
J.D.: “What do you think I’m going to do with it, take out her tonsils?”
Veronica: “Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.”
40.
Heather Duke: “Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?”
41.
Heather McNamara: “God, aren’t they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?”
Veronica: “Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians, Tater Tots. It’s a real party continent.”
42.
Veronica: “You’re a rebel? You think you’re a rebel? You’re not a rebel you’re fucking psychotic!”
43.
Veronica: “Heather, why can’t you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?”
Heather Duke: “Because I can be.”
44.
Heather Chandler: “Ugh, such a pillowcase.”
45.
Veronica: “Tomorrow, I’ll be kissing her aerobicized ass, but tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather, a world where I am free.”
46.
Heather Duke: “I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad everytime I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah.”
47.
Heather Chandler: “They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I’m worshiped at Westerburg and I’m only a junior.”
48.
Veronica: “Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people ‘real life.’ She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you’re beautiful.”
49.
Veronica: “Why don’t we discuss it over a cheeseburger or some such?”
Martha Dumptruck: “I’d like that very much.”
Heathers lovers, which are your favorite quotes? What did I leave out? Sound off in the comments. 
