A lot of the time I am blunt. I say what I mean–there aren’t any hidden agendas or underlying messages in what I say. However, there is also a large portion of the time in which I say one thing but actually don’t mean it at all, and expect it to be translated into infinite other things. For those times, and times that have passed, I have created a translator. I venture to guess that most females can relate to these as well; therefore…

Behold:
GIRL-BOT 3000: A Translator for Men

1. When I said: “We need to catch up!”

I meant: I actually don’t really want to hang out with you or even be involved in your life because to be honest I forgot you existed.

{If I truly want to catch up with someone, I will do so…not imply that one day, perhaps, we will reconvene.}

2. When I said: “No, nothing’s wrong; I’m fine…” (etc.)

I meant: There is most definitely something wrong and the fact that you don’t understand what it is makes me want to throat punch you.
{If everything really is fine, I won’t use the word “fine” in my response.}

3. When I said: No, I don’t care that you used my item/ate my food/touched my stuff:
I meant: My shirt now smells like body odor, I have no tacos to eat for lunch now and you got Dorito grease all over my iPad. Also, die.

{I seriously do not understand people who don’t ask permission.

4. When I said: I do really like you, but we’re such good friends that I feel like it would ruin everything if we took things further.

I meant: Yeah, we really ARE good friends but you are kind of annoying, smelly, douchey and I’m out of your league. Therefore, I would never date you.

{Maybe that was a little harsh. That conversation has happened before though, so it must be included.}

5. When I said: Be honest, is that girl more attractive than me?

I meant: Despite the fact that I’m asking you to compare me to a photo-shopped image of a model you MUST lie and say I am prettier than her or you hate me and want me to die. If you don’t, I hate you and want you to die.

6. When I said: Do you want anything/do you want me to pay/do you want me to drive you?
I meant: I’m asking to be polite but if you actually accept my offer I will secretly hate you.

7. When I said: I’m hungry.
I meant: You are about to see a new level of sassy if there isn’t sushi in front of my face in no less than four minutes.

8. When I said: I love you/you’re my favorite/thank you so much…
I meant it: ‘Cause that’d just be cruel.